Puffing on a bowl of Mac Baren Navy Flake, and sipping on coffee, I am dreading the daily grind of earning my woeful pittance. Chained to a phone 40 hours a week, I am paid to endure oodles of stupidity and sloth helping Americans get their precious entertainment technology back on line.
I am not trying to suggest that all Americans, or hell, not even every caller I deal with, are dumber than a box chock full of Wham’s “Last Christmas” singles on audio cassette, but a fair amount certainly are.
I am beginning the holiday season with a cue from the Costanzas in the hopes that I will find cathartic value (and maybe make a person or two chuckle) in the airing my tales of woe from the Tech Support side of the phone.
“It worked yesterday!”
No shit? Really? Well, thank God for this astute observation.
In all seriousness, if this is the response you are offering to the guy trying to get your video service running, or your computer back online, it is the equivalent of going to the doctor and saying “It hurts!” and expecting the physician to touch you with the hand of Jesus and dispel all of your woes.
We understand it was working previously and now that it isn’t. It is the sole reason we are having a conversation. If you are saying this more than once in a conversation, you are saying it more often than it needs to be said. Repeating this phrase ad nauseum just annoys us, and gets you no closer to watching “Homeland.”
“I don’t know anything about computers!”
Well, all I asked you to do is describe the lights on the router we provided you when the service was installed. I didn’t ask you to try to ping your router, perform trace back, or even touch your computer. I asked you to use your eyes and tell me what lights are lit up on the magic internet machine that, despite your oblivious relationship with, controls your life so much you are screaming at me to fix it.
New rule, if you can’t describe what a cable looks like, or what the text next to a light says, then you don’t deserve the joy of instant communication to the world. Your right to it has been officially revoked.
“My [TV/Phone/ Computer] isn’t working!”